I Used to Struggle with Orthorexia, Now I’m on an Elimination Diet to Heal my Gut
Some of you may not know this, but I struggled with orthorexia (an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating) throughout my early 20’s. I was so obsessed with eating a certain way and judged every food choice I made. Because my body was starving half the time, I eventually found myself in a vicious cycle of restrictive eating and binge eating.
At the time, I thought I was eating a restricted diet for the right reasons. In reality, the only goal I had was to LOOK “good”. I never aimed FEEL good.
Now I am 30 and can thankfully say I am in a better place and have found what I call “food freedom”. I can write another blog about how I came out of that cycle, but this post in particular is about my experience going from orthorexia to food freedom to now an elimination diet*. Working on my mindset around food and my body was no easy task but I am thankful for my experience and where it has led me. Over the past few months, I’ve been able to successfully follow an elimination diet without falling back into a restrictive eating mindset. Even though I am not eating all of the foods I love right now, I still feel like I have food freedom.
When I was stuck in a restrictive eating pattern, I thought my goal was well-intended. However, looking back, my goals were never about true health. This obsession with restrictive eating was born from diet culture telling women and men to look a certain way. The reason I was following a strict diet was because I wanted to change how my body looked. I wanted to prove to myself and the world that I had the willpower to eat “good” food, exercise more than the average person, and avoid “bad” food even if it meant not eating my own birthday cake.
Throughout this entire process, I never once stopped to listen to my body and honestly, I never FELT good. I was not thriving. I was not fully of energy. I could not focus. My mood was not positive. I was constantly struggling with food anxiety.
This restrictive eating pattern eventually turned into a cycle of binge eating and restricting. When I restricted myself too much, my body found itself wanting all the food in sight. I would binge eat all the snacks, feel uncomfortably full, and then go back to restriction. This cycle continued for a while and I wasn’t able to come out of it until I addressed the issues I had with my appearance, stopped looking at food as “good” or “bad”, and stopped feeling guilty and anxious around food.
When I came out of this cycle of binge eating and restricting, I found food freedom. At that time, food freedom to me meant eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not feeling guilty about it. While my thoughts on food freedom have changed since then, this experience gave me a breath of fresh air. I no longer saw food as the enemy and was truly enjoying it again. I was able to eat a piece of cake without feeling guilty or wanting to binge on more later. I wasn’t judging what I was eating, I was simply eating the food I was craving and living my life. During this time, I stopped worrying about what my body looked like and started appreciating it more and more.
Instead of worrying about what I looked like, I became focused on how I felt. I ate what made me feel good, moved my body in a way that made it feel strong, and enjoyed my treats when I wanted.
Fast forward to about 5 years later, when I started to experience more and more digestive issues. My digestion has always been off but I never thought twice about it. I honestly thought it was “normal” to not go to the bathroom every day and have problems with digestion from time to time. My perspective completely changed once I experienced a major flare up when I was heading home for Christmas in 2019. That experience and the months that followed made me realize that something in my body was truly off (read more about my gut health journey here). Since then, I’ve been focused on figuring out what is causing these problems and finally decided to see a functional medicine doctor.
When I hired a functional medicine doctor, I knew an elimination diet was going to be in my future. Because of this, I was a tad anxious about feeling too restricted and not being able to move forward with the protocol they prescribed to me. Thankfully, I have been able to successfully follow this protocol without feeling like I am restricting myself.
The only reason I am able to successfully follow this protocol is because I am in a much better place with food and my body. My mindset around food and my body is completely different now. I look at food as both medicine and fun (more medicine for now, but it will be fun again!). I accept my body as it is and do not want to change how it looks. I am focused on fueling my body with the foods it needs to heal so I can feel my best again.
As I mentioned above, my personal definition of food freedom has evolved throughout this process of healing my gut. My personal definition of food freedom used to be eating what I wanted and not feeling guilty about it. Now, I realize my body was not benefiting fully from this mindset. Some foods clearly do not agree with my body and it is time to figure out what makes my body thrive. My mindset around food is going to shift dramatically once I know what foods were causing my problems but I believe I will still feel free in my food choices.
The reason I believe this is because 1) I will feel empowered knowing what foods caused these issues in the first place and 2) because of this knowledge, I will have the CHOICE to eat the food that makes me feel crappy or avoid it. I will not be following a specific set of rules written by diet culture - I will be actively choosing what I eat based on how I want to feel. To me, that is the ultimate food freedom - knowing what works best for my body and making the choice for myself.
I realize not everyone will agree with my definition of food freedom, but as someone who used to struggle with orthorexia, I am extremely proud of how far I’ve come. Hopefully my story will be a source of inspiration to those who are also trying to heal their bodies through food. If you need support in healing your relationship with food, click here to learn about my coaching programs.
*Before starting an elimination diet, please consult with your doctor.
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash